Zach Farley

Douchebag Cameraman


An overly-groomed man with absurd hair, laughable clothes, gym-crafted muscles, and a duckface.


You see yourself as the next Ridley Scott or Guillermo del Toro. The truth is, you’re probably more of an Uwe Boll. If that. Still, your talents are in demand on all manner of shows that need a cameraman without scruples. And you certainly don’t have any of those. You’re not even really sure what the word means. They just tell you what to shoot, and you shoot it, from as adventurous and unconventional an angle as you can possibly manage. Most recently, you’ve signed on to the show Spook Spotters – it has just the right type of edge for a man with your vision.

In your spare time, you compete as a mixed martial artist. You once won the bronze medal in the Enfield under 25s (held at the Enfield Astoria Social Club and Bingo Hall) and are a regular contender at the prestigious Haringey Krakdown Fight Nights (held every second Saturday of the month). But the camera is your true love, and it’s only when you’re behind the lens that you feel like you can make a real difference in the world.

You’ve been having trouble finding additional work recently, and Spook Spotters remains your only gig. So you are particularly keen not to lose it. Danny and Yvonne have some pretty odd demands, but you need the money, so you just do as you’re told. Someday you’ll get your big break, though. And then you’ll show them. Then you’ll show them all!

You are having a torrid and lustful affair with Yvonne behind Danny’s back. The real reason you don’t want to leave Spook Spotters is because you are hopelessly, intensely, jealously in love with her. Your passion burns with a frightening intensity and will not be denied. You have decided that this trip to Rosedale is the perfect time to convince her to leave Danny. If she will not… well, then perhaps you’ll have to tell him yourself. Bet he won’t have been able to foretell that!

Zach Farley

The Secret Garden logarium